When the jackals take over

This morning, we had a family argument. It didn't end well.

I reverted to my inner-teenage-self and jackaled at my kids; they jackaled back at me.

So I went for a walk to let off steam.

This was the best thing I could've done. It gave me the space to give myself some empathy away from the family and the very act of being outside in the fresh air helped me to calm down and reconnect with my inner giraffe.

Whilst I was on the walk, I reflected on what had just happened, what I might have done differently in that moment and on how I was going to ‘repair’ the rift later on. I also reflected upon how far we've come as a family over recent years.

Yes, we still argue (we're only human!) and yes, we unleash our jackals on a daily basis. But we have all cultivated so much more self-awareness as to what is going on inside us – and each other - when this happens. And this awareness has meant that we are far more able to empathise and to show compassion and forgiveness, both to each other and to ourselves.

Of course we still argue, but we recover quickly – and we’re always able to come back to whatever the issue was later, when we’re feeling calmer, to discuss and hopefully resolve whatever the problem was. We no longer hold onto grudges, guilt, bad moods and resentment. We no longer revisit the same old arguments again and again, stuck on repeat, going round and round in circles with the same old outcomes. Instead, we talk it through, work it out and move on.

As I was thinking about this, I realised that the biggest shift of all has been within me.

In the past, if we argued like we did this morning, I would automatically go straight into guilt and shame mode. I would berate myself for not 'doing better'; I would tell myself I 'should' know how to handle my emotions; that I 'should' by now be the perfect giraffe mama - floating serenely through life with a smile on my face and peace in my heart. And, when (yet again) I ‘failed’ to live up to this unrealistic expectation, I would berate myself some more and vow to ‘try harder’, to ‘do better’, to ‘change my ways.’

Over recent years, I’ve realised that these were unrealistic expectations and that suppressing my jackaly thoughts, feelings and behaviours is not only impossible but it’s also unhealthy.

You see, the jackal is as much a part of us as the giraffe.

When our jackals come out (through our emotions, thoughts and actions) they are trying to tell us something. They are pointing us towards the unmet needs that want some attention. And when we can see the needs behind our behaviours (and those of our children) it is far easier to let go of the judgement and blame and feel compassion and forgiveness.

It also enables us to look at those needs and decide whether or not we can find a satisfactory way of meeting them. I realise now that it’s ok to get angry, frustrated, upset. And it's also ok for my kids to see these emotions passing through me. It's ok to make mistakes, to slip up, to sometimes ‘lose my rag’.

But it’s not ok to sink into a pit of self-loathing and shame when it happens. Or to blame those around me for ‘making’ me feel or react in that way.

I appreciate this is easier said than done.

Whether we like it or not, the reactions we have in any given moment are usually automatic, based on the stories we tell ourselves; the results of habits formed over years of repetition, grounded in sub-conscious beliefs that we are not even aware of.

So, how do we change?

How do we learn to be present; to notice what is going on in the moment and to make a conscious choice to behave in ways that truly align with our values rather than reacting from auto-pilot?

It's not easy.

For me, it’s been a slow and sometimes painful process of inner work and gradual healing; a growing self-awareness that’s enabled me to see past the jackal judgements and criticisms and into my vulnerable, loveable giraffe heart.

And of course, I’m not ‘finished’ yet. I never will be.

But I have shifted from a place of frequent self-judgement, blame, guilt and not feeling ‘good enough’ to one of self-acceptance, forgiveness, compassion and love. I finally understand that in order to consistently show up to others as the compassionate, loving being I know I am at heart (we all are!) I first need to love and accept myself…with all my ‘flaws’, ‘quirks’, ‘failures’…and knobbly bits!

A key part of this is making sure that I pay attention to the needs behind my own feelings and behaviours…and to prioritise looking after those needs.

So, when something triggers my jackal responses (like my teenage daughter’s comments during our argument earlier today) I know that the best course of action for all concerned is for me to remove myself from the heat of the action. To go outside, let off steam, allow myself the time and space to let the jackals out, to let the anger move through me.

And then, when I’m calm again, I can reconnect with my inner giraffe; ground myself and connect with my heart. From this giraffe-centred place, I reflect, without judging myself, and ask, 'What just happened?' 'What was I telling myself in that moment that triggered that emotion, that reaction within me?' ‘What needs of mine were going unmet?’

I’m then better able to give myself some empathy, show myself some compassion and forgive myself if I acted in a way that was not aligned with how I wish to show up in the world. And, once I’ve done this, it is far easier to turn my attention back to my children, to connect with them compassionately and to help them to connect with their own inner giraffes.

This doesn’t often happen seamlessly. (I’m still very much ‘work in progress’.) Many times, I’ve removed myself from an argument, let out my jackals, given myself some empathy, gone back into the room with my giraffe ears on only to be straight out the door moments later having another jackal rant!

But we do always get there in the end - and the process is helping us to grow individually and to connect more compassionately with ourselves and each other.

And for that, we have a giraffe and a jackal to thank. 💕

If you'd like to read about my journey from habitual jackal to aspiring giraffe, checkout my blog, 'Taming my Jackal'.