Compassionate connection will heal the world

I’ll be honest: I used to have little faith in humanity.

Back in my twenties, I thought most humans were pretty selfish, often greedy and basically hardwired towards judging, blaming and conflict. I thought this was the natural human way: we find our tribe, join our gang and we shun, or at least inwardly judge, those who are not part of it. We surround ourselves with people who think the same way as we do and then we look to each other for approval. Well, we all want to be part of the pack so we’ll do almost anything to fit in, right?

Wrong. Well, at least in part.

Several (ahem) decades on, I still believe that we’re designed to be a tribe species but I no longer believe that our natural state is to spurn those who think differently to us. Over the years, as I encountered many good deeds from caring people, my early-adult cynical view of humanity softened somewhat and I came to believe the majority of people are, in fact, kind at heart.

A key part of this shift has been my ongoing training in and growing understanding of Nonviolent Communication (also known as Compassionate Communication). Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, believed that we are all compassionate at heart but many of us have become disconnected from this compassionate state of being.

What disconnects us from our compassionate nature?

We are conditioned from birth (by our parents, through school, in the workplace and beyond) to believe that we live in a world of scarcity; that we need to compete to survive and that we need to look outside ourselves for the solutions to our problems.

Throughout much of our lives, we are taught to live mostly from our heads – to fill our brains with information, to rationalise, to judge, that it’s important to be ‘right’. And, for the large part, it is those around us, some outside ‘authority’ that determines our ‘rightness’ in almost every situation. This rational, thought-based way of living has separated many of us from our hearts, our sense of inner knowing, and it’s taught us to believe that we are separate from each other and apart from (or masters over?) nature. (To read more about our divisive conditioning, read my blog: Divided we fall.)

I realise now that this disconnection between our hearts and our heads, this separation from our true compassionate nature, is at the root of so many of the world’s problems. With the predominant belief system in the world being one of scarcity, competition, control and right, wrong thinking, it’s very difficult to imagine there could be any other way. And, with the constant onslaught of manipulative, divisive media campaigning, it’s really not surprising so many of us get caught up in the judging, the blaming; the anger and division.

But whilst the majority of us are preoccupied with arguing with each other, we continue to destroy our planet and march ever rapidly towards extinction.

What can we do?

I believe that the key to healing the world is compassionate connection…and the power to do so lies within each and every one of us.

Like Marshall Rosenberg, I believe we are all compassionate beings at heart and that our natural way to thrive is to be interdependent, to collaborate, to share, to give, to love and to form communities that are supportive, not divisive.  And I also believe that if we could get back in touch with our true compassionate nature then we would be able to move more readily towards more cooperative, sustainable ways of living.

Whilst this may sound naïve or unrealistic, it’s actually more achievable than you may think. It starts with individual awareness and choice – something that we all have accessible within us. We can all choose where to put our focus and, in any given moment, we can choose whether to live from compassion or not. We can choose to continue along the road of judgement, blame and conflict, separation and self-destruction or we can choose empathy, understanding, connection and collaboration.

How do we reconnect with our compassionate nature?

This sounds so simple and yet it’s so hard to do. A lifetime of conditioning is not overturned in an instant – but if the intention is there then that’s a big step along the way.

For me, Rosenberg’s animal metaphors of the giraffe and the jackal have been a big help and serve as a visual reminder of how I want to show up to the world each day.

The giraffe represents our caring, compassionate, loving side. It’s the part of us that is our natural state of being. When I step into my giraffe skin, I am getting in touch with what is truly alive for me (and others) in that moment. I am present and connected to my heart, viewing whatever shows up with kindness and acceptance, rather than falling into old patterns of judgement and blame.

Our inner jackal is the part of us that’s disconnected from our innate compassionate nature. When we step into our jackal, we focus on outcomes (what we want from a situation) rather than connection (with self or others). Jackals make moralistic judgements which are the result of the automatic, divisive thought patterns that we have been conditioned into from birth.

Marshall Rosenberg referred to jackal language as ‘life-alienating communication’. Jackal language categorises and dichotomises people and their actions. When we speak in jackal, we are judging others as good, bad, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant etc. This is the type of language we see pervading social media – now even more than ever before.

Why connect with our inner giraffes?

The more I’ve managed to tap into my inner giraffe, the more I’ve come to realise that, if we look at an area of conflict, both ‘sides’ usually want the same thing. We have the same unmet needs - we just have different ways of trying to meet them. In fact, it often boils down to one or more of the following core needs: to feel safe, to feel loved, to be heard, to be accepted, to be free, to matter.

When we can see the needs behind other people’s words and actions, we’re more able to feel compassion towards them; to see them as fellow humans rather than opponents. We may not agree with them but we can understand why they are behaving as they are and, from this place of understanding, we can choose how to react. And how we react is never about the other person - it is always about us and the stories we tell ourselves about the other person’s actions. These stories are based upon our past experiences and the beliefs we’ve constructed throughout our lives. Our beliefs are not the truth - they are just our beliefs - and our beliefs are based upon the unique set of circumstances that led us to this point.

When we can understand this, we can see that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ - there are just differences in opinions and different strategies for meeting the universal needs that we all share. I believe that we are all doing the best that we can with the resources we have available to us in any given moment. If we work on this assumption, it becomes easier to shift from the judging jackal to the gentle giraffe; to empathise and to connect with compassion.

From this place of compassionate connection, we open our hearts and our minds up to greater possibilities; to creativity, collaboration, harmony and love. This is the place from which I believe we can heal the world - and each one of us has the power within to make it happen.

For more on how to harness you inner giraffe, read my blog: ‘It’s time to harness our inner giraffes!’